My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
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Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”