My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
You Might Also Like
What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.
🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.
And it’s about time.