My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
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[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*
*Sits down triumphantly*
*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw