My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
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To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Christmas bonus so small you have to call your bank and ask “is it in yet?”
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her