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Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
*skinny dips into black hole
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone