Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.

When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.

That’s the moment you wish you had kids.

My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself

Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.

There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things

I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…

Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.

People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.

Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.

Stranger danger is a very real thing.

They nearly always react badly to proposals.

Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!

How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.

God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.

Light: Let there be light what?

God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.

I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.

In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.

[Club]

Him: You want to dance?

Her: *Giggling* Ok

Him: *Scowling* Well go on then

History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.

Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on

[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops

[Last day in prison]

*Walks up to the biggest guy*

Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.

“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying

Friend: Does Jesus live in you?

Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.

ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!

FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?

ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.

I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?

I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.

Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k

Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”

Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.

Friend: why?

Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.

Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.

But that’s none of my business

Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”

Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*