Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no

Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.

Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.

Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis

Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me

When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.

I know that now.

You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.

nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws

Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker

ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?

These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.

[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t

My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.

– My neighbor

EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.

My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?

I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.

They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.

OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE

Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.

I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.

9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.

The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.

Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.

7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?

Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.

i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday

If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.

The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!

Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!

Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.

HER: what’s your sign?

ME: i’m an asparagus

HER: you mean aquarius

ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun