My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
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Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Mhm.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know