@pseudofauxme: My tombstone will just say "Deactivated." I want people to be afraid that I could come back.
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@jergarl: It's like my Grandpa used to say ,"The fight with grandma isn't over until I fill her pillow with spiders and she gives me back my teeth."
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already. Me: Wow that's a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
@sixfootcandy: I filled my brother's shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
@Ygrene: Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon