Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
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Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.