My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
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sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
You may hate the thought of moles, warts and skin tags but after a while, they grow on you.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
