My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
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Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Why font matters.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.