My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
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Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.