My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
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Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security