My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom
-Jurassic period Grindr
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?