Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects

I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.

ghost: boooooOoo

me: you better stop

ghost: what are you doing

me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother

ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo

Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside

*45 minutes later*

She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead

Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?

“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently

The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.

“My phone is blowing up!”

*2 unread messages*

I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.

Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over

40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.

4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.

Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.

Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?

Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.

Me: Yes it is.

BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired

I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”

Her oldest child is 38. 🤣

What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?

Russian roulette.

what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar

me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower

me, in shower: *jumping*

Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?

7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten

I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.

“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate

Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?

Me: when you’re a parent, you just no

What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.

Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.

you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak

If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.

If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.

if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack

Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy

Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.