My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
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My wife: “Do you even like writing?”
Me: “I like having written.”
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Mmmm canned fish.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.