*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
You Might Also Like
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
The hospitality industry is always looking for influencers who can bring visibility to their business. YOU could be that influencer! and having your own professional travel blog is how you do it! Click here to start your own travel blog #ad
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Me too 😆
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen