My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
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🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
The First Farmer
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake