Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….

I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.

Oh…wrong toilets.

What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs

I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”

Wow planes really have bad luck on that day

If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.

[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]

now I can bring my cats to work.

Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.

(Jupiter –

*Buys something from Amazon

*Tracks package from Amazon

*Gets delivery from Amazon

Me)I wonder what this is

Hormones: hey what’s up?

Me: just reading a book.

Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.

Me: wait no—

Hormones: AND CRY.

[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship

Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits

Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.

Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law

[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened

Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.

NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.

@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”

Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!

Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.

Her: I can’t eat all that.

Me: … That’s a blueberry.

Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?

Me: We have to be quick!

*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*

When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was

For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.

That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.

I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.

Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?

Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.

murder on the timeline

Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going

“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm