Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: it’s okay in my book

5: what book? can I see the book?

me: it’s hypothetical

5: what’s hypothetical mean?

me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…

establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you

Me: don’t do it

Brain: GONNA DO IT

Me: I’m driving

Brain: HERE IT COMES

Me: there’s oncoming traffic

Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW

Me: you’re going to kill us both

Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST

Me: *pre sneeze face*

Brain: THIS AMUSES ME

[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?

Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.

Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.

Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.

The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.

Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.

I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.

turtleneck: oooh cozy

mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY

Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.

Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH

Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants

Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.

Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!

Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.

We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”

My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.

Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!

6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.

“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987

Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.

Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat

me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.

refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES

my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full

me, carrying 8 grocery bags:

Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.

doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office

Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.

BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.

[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*

someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend

*high fives my therapist*

“At least you tried.”

[boxing gym]

*points at everything*

I’d hit that.