Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.

I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.

*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*

Me trying to walk in a dream

If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars

Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?

Me: No… it has two cameras.

WHY would you be happy about this?

I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.

Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me

You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.

The holidays are always tough on me….

One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.

Still haunts me.

*cops finds my loose floorboard*

Cop: What’s under here…

*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*

Me: I’d like my lawyer now.

Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…

and standing outside your door…

and playing the harmonica.

I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”

Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.

“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*

Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this

There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geese

Guess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.

IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS

fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

[invention of croutons]

Let’s make eating salad hurt

You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.

3: Please move

Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English

3: Woof Woof

Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*

Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*

Kid 2: *hold my espresso*

When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”

Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped

Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.

Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.

Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.

Kidnapper: your coming with me

Me: * you’re

British people: Unicycle

American people: Collegecycle