My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
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If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.