Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.

I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*

I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms

I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.

“Keep it in your pants!”

-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.

*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look*

*hours later*
Me: oh SHIT

Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?

Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does

Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.

Custom Auto Painting

Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?

Me: You sell spaghetti.

Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.

Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.

Him: I said cologne.

Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!

Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂

Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.

the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion

The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change

if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech

I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.

Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.

Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50

[future]

Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?

Me: Internet arguments, mostly

Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill

Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.

Another interesting #factupdates post!

FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend

Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.

They don’t give a fork.

Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter

Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”

Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”

The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation