MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Had a spot of bother earlier.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
