Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum

Fun tip:

Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.

*thumbs up*

What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!

you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”

Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!

My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.

[Text]

18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!

Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?

doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live

me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure

doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure

There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn

5: I cleaned my room.

Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.

5: No. Next time you can do it.

ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.

An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.

I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.

Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?

Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous

Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day

The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.

Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.

Early Bird: *gets worm*

Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*

Early Bird: SONOFA

Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.

Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine

Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.

I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.

Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.

DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser

This is why you don’t eat at everybody house

I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.

[job interview]

“Name one of your strengths”

I didn’t stab anyone today

“That’s not-”

Yesterday wasn’t so good tho

I’m giving up ice.

I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.

My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”

I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS

[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”