Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People fear what they don’t understand:

Change
Death
4th grade math word problems

Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.

It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too

Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?

Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”

Billion dollar technology idea:

A printer that works

ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so

[Office Supply Store]

Me: *getting toner*

Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.

Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.

Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.

I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.

I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.

Professor X: What’s your power?

Me: I can turn ice into cats.

Professor X: That’s ridiculous.

Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!

Me: I got this!

Polecats: Sonofa…

If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.

Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.

The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.

Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..

Why are these idiots only giving robots two arms?

doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions

Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant

Me: no sweat

Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?

Me: my children, now give me the ring

therapist: so what’s troubling you?

me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate

therapist: and how does that make you feel?

me: fine

Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.

add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans

Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?

really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context

With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be

If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.

You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post

To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.