Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a friendship and a fart have a lot in common, both have the potential to turn into something bigger

Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do

Welcome to Twitter.

Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.

Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.

“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog

My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.

I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.

Wife – remember to compliment the host

[later]

Me – your wife is hot

I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.

Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”

ㅤ

ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*

“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”

~ Karma Chameleon

My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.

Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣

WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life

ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same

I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.

Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat

me: can you calm down

The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot

I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument

My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.

A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.

Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.

Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*

Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh

I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.

PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-

ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.

PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.

ME: *gasps* How can you tell?

“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order

ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?

WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.