My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
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HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same