Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when mom throws a party…

Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?

My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.

My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.

If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.

I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on

I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.

blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.

My wife: “Do you even like writing?”

Me: “I like having written.”

Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.

you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid

i just really want crab legs

..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me

You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.

*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought

Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight

Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead

Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack

Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together

My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.

Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack

The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.

*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.

*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.

paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”

I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.

Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.

Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!

I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye

Orange is oranging 🟠

Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:

G
O
A
W
A
Y

And I am here for that energy.

I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.

I can see how that would be whiskey.

Do you have to wine about it though?

My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later

Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food