Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.

me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS

when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.

Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…

What if giving up is overrated?

I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.

If anyone wants my boiling water recipe dm me

Search History:

Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #

cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this

Never deleting this app.

OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?

Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.

I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.

“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting

i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore

I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains

WHAT DO WE WANT?

A NAP!!

THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?

You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?

Some people are hope, some people are nope.

Choose wisely.

My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.

I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.

My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.

I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.

While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.

Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.

My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.

DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.

When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”

My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.

He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.

In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.

Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.

[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake

love pickles so much i put myself in one