Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.

When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori

[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]

“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there

I’m completely naked under all this pizza.

My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.

Um, a what now?!

This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH

Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives

Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life

I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.

interviewer: any interests outside of work

me: war and space documentaries

mom: he means star wars

me: mom stay in the car

mom: nerd

I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.

Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.

I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy

Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.

If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.

me: I wish there were more hours in my day

the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey

m; eew. no. not you.

I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.

me: everything has bluetooth these days

dentist: no ya that’s not normal

There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving

Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶

Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please

‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.

Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.

Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.

Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup

me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

Texas.

Where the vegan menu item is chicken.

Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.

everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck

Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.

Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.

guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed