My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
