My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
“How can I improve my cooking skills?”
Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone
Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]
Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Donating blood today to make room for more food
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
