Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!

Me: Oh

Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?

How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?

Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!

Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.

A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..

when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”

I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant

My wife gives the best headache.

I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight

To Do List While in Jail

1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.

[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers

No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter

My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away

That’s motherhood summed up for you

I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.

There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.

[Gets out of bed]

{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?

My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.

Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/

Can me and you go out sometime?

“No, your grammar is too poor”

Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?

me when my friends ask me to look after their kids

Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.

Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.

A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?

I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboy

On a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horse

I:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘ride

I’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive

A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.

~ Peter Pan

Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”

Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”

Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.

Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant