Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.

When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?

As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit

If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.

when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”

*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*

HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?

ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.

My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches

I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”

Then when people ask me what it means…

50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.

Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.

therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words

me: rude words

therapist: yes

me: rude words

therapist: i see

I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?

To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.

interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop

suspect: you mean bad cop?

interrogator: no

suspect: i confess.

“and it goes without saying…”

*proceeds to say it*

Your mother has terrible taste in children.

The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.

I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.

Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.

*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*

“What did you wish for?”

“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”

I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.

I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.

*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*

Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely af

Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck

Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.

accountant: do you have any dependents?

me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.

Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.

Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.

Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.

[Flirting in a bar]

ME: Did it hurt…

HER: …

ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?

PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again