My toxic trait is consistently cutting off the resealable part of the bag of frozen vegetables.
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Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
i baked you a cake
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*