My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
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Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her