my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
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Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Me at my 225th rodeo:
“What the hell is going on?”
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
all the leaves are brown
and this guy is greg
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.