my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
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[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
i have one speed and it’s mosey
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee