my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
You Might Also Like
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
i think we should see other cousins
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.
if i say “morning!” to you it does not mean “good morning” i am merely exclaiming in horror that it is morning
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up