Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Modern Way to Name Babies:

1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settle

Congratulations on your child McKimberlynn.

I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.

Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.

Just in case to be clear #gbbo

Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.

I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.

If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.

Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”

Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”

There are 2 kinds of people in this world:

1. People who aren’t good with numbers

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

ME: holy shit is that the pope?!

HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride

[Before the post office was invented]

SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document

PIGEON: *simply existing*

SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy

Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife

Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy

My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.

Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?

He replied….chicken.

Thank god he is good looking.

I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.

there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick

doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week

me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one

Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?

Never ask a girl “How are you single?”

BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.

Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!

Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.

A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.

1965~ Wow Cher looks good

1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good

1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good

2020 ~Wow Cher looks good

3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good

This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣

Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out

Random person: Did you try searching the internet?

mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son

If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.

Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.

Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.