Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.

Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”

Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…

(whispers) boop your nose?

[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad

You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post

My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”

Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”

This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds

Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.

After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.

The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother

Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.

This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.

Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?

A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.

every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.

If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.

Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!

Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy

They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.

Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”

Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.

I know that now.

I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.

Him: I want five bedrooms.

Me: why? So we can have more kids?

Him: No. More parents.

A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.

me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents

Have you tried locking him in your trunk?

There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.

Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does

[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no

[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY

Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign

Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834