Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.

Interviewer: Take a minute to th-

Me: Arendelle.

The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.

Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.

I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.

I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.

Me: finally drifting off to sleep

The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific

Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”

My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.

So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.

My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.

The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png

Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them

They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon

Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.

Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor

WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?

ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best

W: How long until they go to bed?

ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds

Has there ever been a more American story?

You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.

WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you

My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb

Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres

My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”

A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.

You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?

Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?

Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.

Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale

*regional mathematics tryouts*

Judge: what is 2+2?

Me: can you use it in a sentence?