My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
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ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone