My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
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They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!