My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
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Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Husband at lunchtime: Shall I make..
Me: Yes.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Got ya covered
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow