My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
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Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this