Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two

I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.

I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.

SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery

[me 3 months later]

I think he had a brewery

I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.

Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things

Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.

Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n

I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”

You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50

I can’t stop watching this.

My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀

Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore

Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you

HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.

Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.

No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.

Certainly wasn’t me.

[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me

“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.

no

If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.

I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all

DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.

He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.

THIS.

MOTHER.

FUCKER.

DOES.

NOT.

CARE.

HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.

Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!

finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all

boss: you’re fired

me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that

Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track

My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak

Most people: I guess balloons are ok

Me:

Sexting:

Him: What do you like in the bedroom?

Me: Sleeping.

Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?

Me: Close the door on your way out.

Him: No, I meant…

Me: Also lock the door.

Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.

Ugh. My bed is infested with children.