my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
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Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Just read the Ten Commandments for the first time and you can’t do shit with your neighbor
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?
Parents.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok