My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
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Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
😭😭😭
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”
Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Pretty much. 🤣
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
BRAKING NEWS!!
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god