My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
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[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Spoiler Alert: I was late
wtf is an acronym
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.