Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.

*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*

If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.

wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction

me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece

How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.

Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes

You know where I’d like to go?
Missing

[first day as librarian]

guy: i’m looking for a book—

me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK

I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.

Job interview…

H- “So how would you describe yourself?”

Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..

me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world

genie: ok [snaps fingers]

me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed

genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly

My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.

I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods

I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him

“At your cervix, m’lady”

– me as an OBGYN and also just me

my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…

a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning

I cannot stop laughing at this

Saw two dads share a dad joke out in the wild.
At a grocery store, two guys exchanging a cart. The guy taking the cart said “did ya put some gas in it?” And the other guy patted the cart and said “yep, filled ‘er up for ya” and they had a good little chuckle together

Resistance training

But me dragging my kids into school.

Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.

[divorce court]

ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody

JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”

“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”

When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.

My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.

If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.

[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]

ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit

mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth

baby birds: yay! dinner time

*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.

How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.

Relationship advice:

Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.