My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
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Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
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Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
another case of gang violins
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Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey