My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
You Might Also Like
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
It’s beginning to look a lot like “everyone’s manners and driving skills have disappeared” time of year again
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
One of these days, the Roomba mothership will send out a signal and none of us will have toes.