My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
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A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
I’m not one of those who will like or retweet something just because I agree with it. I’ll like a tweet purely for it having 665 likes
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
We need it on priority
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham