My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
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I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
I pretend I’m waterboarding the bowls when I’m doing the washing up. I’ll ask them a question then put them under the faucet.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
no regrets
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains
It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.