My toxic trait is treating my glasses like they’re not the most expensive thing I wear everyday.
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85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
dec 26 to jan 1 is like the days after spotify wrapped… you can listen to/do whatever you want and it doesn’t count against next year’s naughty list
A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s
According to math, I’m broke
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
A man tells his doctor he applied the haemorrhoid cream and got a nasty reaction.
“Where did you apply it?” asked the doctor.He replied: “On the bus.”
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.