My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
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[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
me: you were supposed to draw me one shape and divide it into equal shares….I see 5 cookies and…what are these?
student: dragons
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next
love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing
“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem
*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*
*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*
Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.
I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Turning regret into ulcers since 1996
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs