My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
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A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears