My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
You Might Also Like
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
FRED: right
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia
[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]
Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water