My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
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I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Trying
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.