My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
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My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
This one never gets the credit it deserves
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public