Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
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ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships