My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
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An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Somebody’s lying.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
scares
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Hmm 🧐
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.