My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
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Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.