My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
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“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Seals are like dog mermaids who bite, so, like dog mermaids.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Have you ever gone hiking through the mountains for several days? When you finally arrive at your campsite and you drop the 40lb sack you’ve been carrying on your back, you feel reborn. You feel free again. Anyways, both of my kids are staying with their grandparents this week.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.