My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
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Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on